I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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