Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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