dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
