Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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