Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
