How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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