a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
