I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize