I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
