I think my fart just growled at me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
