You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
