your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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