Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
