I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize