i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
