I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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