the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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