I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize