i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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