remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize