can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
