i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
