Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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