don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize