Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
