hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
