the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
