By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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