he puts the penis in happiness.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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