I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
