I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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