where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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