The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize