I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
