i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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