I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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