plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
