Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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