Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
