a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
