so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
