oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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