Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
