last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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