my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
