My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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