I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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