guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
