All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We have started to decorate penises.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
