I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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