Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Actions speak louder than pants.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
