conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
