i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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