i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
