saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
