She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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