I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
