They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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