omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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