Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I met the friendliest cop last night
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Randomize
