did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
